gelilah-phobia

I was davening at the shul this Rosh Hashana, when somebody came up to me during kreeas hatorah and asked,"gelilah?"
During gelilah, you have to the roll up the Torah and put the covering on it. I have a reputation for messing it up. Last time I tried, I nearly ripped the Torah in half. That pretty much stopped me from doing it this time.
Most people dont get scared when somebody comes up to them and asks them to do gelilah, though. I'm pretty sure that when they come up to me, they sneer to themselves and themselves and say another one down. SUCKER. Of course, they wouldn't show that, but I'm sure I can detect it as they ask.

The Honey Bear

Every Rosh Hashona, we go to the store and buy honey. Every Rosh Hoshona night, I always find myself in the company of a little, yellowish bear. For some reason, the plastic containers that honey is put in are almost always shaped like bears.
But why are they shaped like bears? Well, bears like honey, people tell me. But two things: first off, bears kill a lot of bees and drive the rest out of the hive, plus kill alot of larvae when they do it, which can sometimes mean less honey is gathered, thus less honey is collected from the hive. So, bears are actually the enemy of honey.
Additionally, if the bears like to eat honey, that means less honey for us. Why would they make the containers shaped like bears if bears make them lose money by eating honey?
Well, I've come to the conclusion that this plus all the other reasons bears hurt business and kill people and other stuff, you'd say that bears don't help anybody and thus be cruel to any bear you come across. The people in the honey in the honey business like bears and want to protect them, so they shape honey containers like cute, cuddly bears as if to apoligize for the bears taking your honey, and to say that bears are cute and nice.
So the bottom line is honey containers are shaped like bears becuase they want you to have mercy on bears.

Tale of Crime and Treason on the High Seas

You all know the book I'm talking about. It was filled with adventure, excitement, knowlegde and thrills. Laughs would come easily when one would read this grand novel.
Yes, it is Curious George.
We went down to the school library yesterday with Mr.()enkins. It was mostly filled with preschool. Seizing the chance, I grabbed my favorite book, Curious George Escapes from Prison, and sat down next to my teacher.
" Sir," I began," I would like to tell you a tale of crime and treason on the high seas. It all began one day in Africa, while-"
" Wait one minute, Curly. I cant read a book with you right now, no matter how exciting it is." he said.
" But sir! Surely you don't want to miss out on this! So, ahem, Curious George was a monkey. But he was no ordinary monkey. He was very curious. He lived in Africa.
One day, the big Yellow Man came to Africa to visit. He liked George a lot, and decided to kidnap him. So he put down his hat..."
I went on to tell him the thrilling epic, how George jumped overboard, how he would smoke every night before bed, how he was sent to prison and how he escaped. I told him how he flew over the Big City, and how he eventually went to the zoo to give all the animals balloons.
Mr. ()enkins didn't really like it, but I'm sure that comes from being a math teacher. Of course, all people love the tale of the curious monkey from exotic lands, and I'm suprised college students don't learn it. I mean, didn't you love Curuois George?

The Dentist

My mother told me," Curly, you've got an orthidantist appointment."
"oh no." I said, heart sinking," What are they gonna do?"
"Not much." she replied.
What she could've said would be, " well, theyre going to take 3 Xrays, stick a humungous mirror in your mouth twice, then take 2 molds of your teeth twice, and then pry your lips open so they can put flouride on each tooth.
But of course, if parents were that frank, children would have rebelled long ago. So they choose to stay nuetral, so they can leave you to your fate.
Oh, but the orthidantist wasn't the terrible part. Before I left, they said" Next week we're going to cement an appliance that gradually drag your forward by a series of coils and springs which will eventually, over the course of one year, get rid of your over bite. And in 3 months we put on the braces."
I went home and watched a movie. In the movie, the main character would have flashbacks to his childhood, where he wore an enoumus contraption which pulled his lips out and tugged his jaw forward.
Needless to say, a movie like that and a week are not a very good combination for my situation.
Youre probably there luaghing and saying " HA HA! SUCKER!" while you struggle not to fall out of your chair. Well, you heartless fiend, you wont be laughing when it happens to YOU!(or some one you know!)

Do you know those little cream filled cupcakes with frosting on top? With a little white stripe? Well, I gave one of those to the PT. Of course, five year olds are infamous for eating the frosting, but not the cake. So I say " its good, PT, see? its got yummy cream in the middle. It tastes great! so you can eat the cake!"
" Yummy!" she exclaims.
" so you're gonna eat the cake, right?"
"yep!"
" are you sure?"
" positive!"
I decide thats enough goading and let her eat her cake. Ten minutes later, I come back to the table to find no PT, but a topless cream filled cupcake sitting there. No frosting, just cake and cream. So I search the house for the responsible nutjob. And there she is, eating potato chips in the living room. So I confront her and ask," PT, why didnt you eat the cake?"
" I didnt like the cake!" she says.

There's a underground floor in house. There's a few rooms. The first one, near the steps, houses the computers. then theres a luandry room to the side, which links to a boiler room and the famed " toy pantry", where are the toys go when they die. Unfortunately, the PT keeps trying to ressurect them.
So I'm sitting in the computer room, reading a book, when PT comes down the stairs. She goes up to me and says " Curly, Im going to get a toy from the toy pantry. Stay right here." And then heads off into the luandry room. Aside from the computer room, usually all the lights are turned off in the basement.
Aproximatly 3 seconds later:"OKAY I CANT SEE A THING."
I try to get back to my book, but a few seconds later " HELLO! I CANT SEE A THING!!!!" this time in a more whiny voice, giving me my cue to go help her.
I walk in and trun on the lights. " okay curly now I can see." she says, and then stares down the dark hallway ahead.
" Um... you stay here." she says, and slowly walks towards the doorway. Once she reaches it, she stops for a second, turns around and runs back in front of me.
" Okay actually you're gonna have to come with me." She cant even imagine me saying no, so I decide to go with her. Theres a barricade of suitcases in front of the toy pantry, though, and then, sudennly, the PT looks at me.
" Okay Curly," she says," I actually decided I dont want to go."
"oh okay."I say" then lets go back."
"Im not finished! Im going to go back, and youre going to stay here and get me a toy." she turns to leave.
" Hey wait one second!" Im not getting it for you! you have to get it!"
she turns around." what?"
"I said you have to get it!"
"um...." she looks back and forth at me and the way out.
"you know what Curly?" she says at last. " Lets just pretend this didnt happen."

IF I WERE A RICH MAN...
A freind of mine has come up with a scheme to get rich. It goes like this: take a shovel, dig a shallow hole in the middle ofa street. Take a wide bucket ( at least 6ft) and cover it in clay. wait to dry, rough up to look like stone, attatch wheels and put in hole, so wheels are concealed. Then fill it with water and put in a coin or two. By the end of the day, the bucket will be filled with coins. Then, in the cover of night, take the "fountian" up and wheel it to a different location.

LABOUR DAY
Do you know labour day came around? Do you know what it is?
Well, I don't, but I know how it came around. Obvoiusly, the students revolted and went on not strike, but strep. So they decided to make it a holiday, in order to encourage others to right.
But you are probably not asking yourself how Labour day came around. You are probably asking yourself " this guy does know its spelled Labor day, right?".
Well for your information I do, you presuming, blundering fool. I was spelling it that way in honor of the famous Australian crocodile documenter,....er...
No, I didnt forget his name. I just dont feel like telling it to you. But anyway, I could sense the world would never be the same, and felt compelled to spell it in British English. I bet you haven't been as considerate as I have in your spelling today, have you?

A lot of schools now give out summer vacation homework. Usually it's a whole stack of assignments. Some people have to do science projects over the summer. Some get lucky, and only have one assignment, a book report or some such. I only got a vocab list to study. I was a luckier student. It should have been easy. I had two months, after all.
So why, oh why didnt I study ?!
We had the vocab test today. It didnt just shock me how much I'd forgotten. It snuck up behind me, tackled me, smashed me against the wall,pushed me off a cliff and left my body to rot.
After the clash with metaphors, I was handed back my grade. I scowled at the grade and tried to glare it into submission, but the red ink outmatched my gaze. No doubt the retest will be much funner.
And 30cal and Rafiki drove home all way from Witz to gloat. They claim to be hard at work at Witz, but I know what they really do: they sit there all day practicing smirks and sneers and scowls and all the other S words so students all over the state can come and claim to be hard at work. Then they'll have an excuse to gloat. Even twenty years after, they'll take out the yearbook and practice gloating to their sons. Its a tradition thats gone on for generations