The Evil Lair

My sister Iguana recorded this from a Japanese translated game:
EVIL MINION: They've invaded the base!
EVIL EMPEROR: Very well. Activate the Interior Infrastructre Automated Tactical Defense Stratigical System!
EVIL MINION: What?
EVIL EMPEROR: I said get ready to launch! Do you have a problem?
EVIL MINION: But that's still being tested! It could blow up the base!
EVIL EMPEROR: I dont care!
EVIL MINION: Aaaah.

Joke book

Is that two words, or one? Anyway, my first one took place during chumash class. We were starting Parshas Chukas, and my Rebbe was handing out work packets. On the cover of these was a big cow with a Soviet ensigna in the middle. So I ask my Rebbe," Whats with the Soviet symbol?" and he says," this parsha deals with the para aduma ( red cow).

Yukyukyuk. Here's another one:

Knock knock
whos there?
potatoes
potatoes who?
potatoes are taking a shower!

Yeah, the PT came up with that one. I can't think of anymore, though. Maybe you have one?

Script

here's the script for the previous post:
http://allyourbase.planettribes.gamespy.com/story.shtml
They were making fun of a horribly translated Japanese Gameboy game.

The Classics

http://allyourbase.planettribes.gamespy.com/video3_view.shtml

Yay!!!!!!!!

OK, 30cal and PsychoToddler may have beat me to the punch, and I may be little late, but I DID have a Bar Mitzvah this week!
It was completely crazy. At one AM Shabbos morning, 30cal was reading me my speech, and he pointed out so many errors I freaked. I had a terrible speech, and I had to give it in, like, 10 hours. Even if we made changes, I wouldn't be able to write them down. When I got up to read the speech after davening in front of the entire congregation, I was barely reciting from the paper. Most of it was off the top of my head, and believe me that I was terrified when I gave it. Funny that everyone actually liked it more than my leining. Or is that just in contrast to my leining? Well, whatever. I'm just glad to be over with it. It's good to know that the rest of the year is smooth sailing.

Dillusional

PT: Hey Curly, know who's boots these used to be?
Me: Iguana's.
PT: Yeah, but before then. Y'know, Fudge!
Me: No they weren't.
PT: Y'know how I know? Here, Curly, I will tell you. Iguana showed me a picture of her when she was my age, and she was wearing my dress! And I said 'Iguana that's my dress and she said ' No PT I gave that dress to you.' And you know who gave it to her? Fudge. And thats how I know.
Me: No, Iguana bought(ten) them.
PT: She did!?
Me: Yes she did.
PT: Boy, thats got to be embarresing.
Me: Embarresing? Why?
PT: Um, I mean frustrating.
Me: Why?
PT: Cuz I was thinking that when I grow up I would get to walk around in cool boots and walk around and jump and run and draw and call you to breakfest and shout in your ear like I am right now and sit down and eat um, toasted, um spahgetti! And drive a car and an airplane and boy, is this weird.
Me: Yeah, I know.
PT: Cmon, lets go meet my friends.
Me: Right.
PT then takes me over to her stuffed animal collection and say," OK guys, remember my brother Curly? Y'know, the OTHER one that I kept telling you about? Um, ok um... Curly?
Me: Yes?
PT: I dont think they like you.
Me: oh.
PT: Run really fast.

Frozen Custard Butterburgers

What are they? What kind of sick, twisted mind thought them up? And does he wear crocks?
I'm going to start off with those questions. The answer to the first question is the easiest. What are they? They are carefully laided out veggie burgers coated in melt-in-your-mouth butter and filled with a scrumptios custard suprise!
Who thought of them? If you thought it was from Rafiki,er...take a bow, or pat yourself on the back or shout or something. Yes, that baboon first imagine the product we love. And does he wear crocks?

Maybe.

If I were plankton...

I'd get eaten. Either the whales or the fish or whatever would eat me. Between the 2 of them-not counting the 'whatever'- I'd be eaten at some point in my life, though it would probably be at the end. Either that or I'd drown.
So why am I mentioning this? Becuase if you saw a guy dressed as a plankton on Halloween this year, would that be beneficial to him? Or would it just mean you got his costume wrong? And can I continue my streak of 3 questions in row?
Well, barring the last question, this really brings out a moral debate. Is this a form of protest? Is he trying to save the plankton? Or is it just a scheme to get more candy?
But maybe this is just the begining of an educational future halloween. Maybe someday parents will incorporate learning into the day. Maybe someday children will roam the streets dressed as fruits and vegetables and deep sea fungus and Native Americans and famous authors and other educational stuff.
At least, thats we spend time doing at my school, anyway.

Teffilin

Is that how you spell it? Well, anyway, I put on teffilin today. By the begining of shacaris, the circulation to my laft arm and hand had been cut off. At the end, they were both white and freezing. It was pretty painful. But they're probably going to be looser next time, though.
Its scary, thinking that I only have one month left to my Bar Mitzvah. It's even scarier that all my last posts haven't been able to top 3 paragraphs. Why can't I make a post that doesn't use up the idea in the first paragraph?
So I'm going to make this one four paragraphs, just to break the streak. Also, it will look very intimidating, when you log on and its like, a column of words descending to the bottom of the screen and you'll be like, woah, this post is very intimidating.
My sister could give this post five words: dead air, um, dead air. Its true. I probably won't make this paragraph very interesting. Better move on to the next one.
Wait! thats four!

Just thinking...

The Shire is actually a real nice peice of real estate.

The Weed Lord

I can't offer a link to my bro Rafiki's blog, but face it, all of you already know how to get there. I've got an ongoing career as the Weed Lord (where did that title COME from?) in Rafiki's movies. You probably couldn't tell with me wearing the coat and hat and glasses and all. It has earned much fame and brought to the world renowned staus I now hold today. The best part was, I got to pull my sisters hat down. I've always wanted to do that. It was so much fun!

The Weed Lord

I can't offer a link to my bro Rafiki's blog, but face it, all of you already know how to get there. I've got an ongoing career as the Weed Lord (where did that title COME from?) in Rafiki's movies. You probably couldn't tell with me wearing the coat and hat and glasses and all. It has earned much fame and brought to the world renowned staus I now hold today. The best part was, I got to pull my sisters hat down. I've always wanted to do that. It was so much fun!

Classroom Facisim

We were learning history a little while ago. We, of course, learning about Native Americans, as we have for the past five years, and after five years we were bored sick of it. So, someone proposed that we take a vote who wants to learn about Native Americans or the founding fathers. Our history teacher said NO. We went on to protest that his decision was unconstitutional, and that his decision to not learn about founding fathers in the first place was also unconstitutional. Our teacher declared," School is not a democracy. It is a dictatorship. And anyone who steps out of line will be punished."

gelilah-phobia

I was davening at the shul this Rosh Hashana, when somebody came up to me during kreeas hatorah and asked,"gelilah?"
During gelilah, you have to the roll up the Torah and put the covering on it. I have a reputation for messing it up. Last time I tried, I nearly ripped the Torah in half. That pretty much stopped me from doing it this time.
Most people dont get scared when somebody comes up to them and asks them to do gelilah, though. I'm pretty sure that when they come up to me, they sneer to themselves and themselves and say another one down. SUCKER. Of course, they wouldn't show that, but I'm sure I can detect it as they ask.

The Honey Bear

Every Rosh Hashona, we go to the store and buy honey. Every Rosh Hoshona night, I always find myself in the company of a little, yellowish bear. For some reason, the plastic containers that honey is put in are almost always shaped like bears.
But why are they shaped like bears? Well, bears like honey, people tell me. But two things: first off, bears kill a lot of bees and drive the rest out of the hive, plus kill alot of larvae when they do it, which can sometimes mean less honey is gathered, thus less honey is collected from the hive. So, bears are actually the enemy of honey.
Additionally, if the bears like to eat honey, that means less honey for us. Why would they make the containers shaped like bears if bears make them lose money by eating honey?
Well, I've come to the conclusion that this plus all the other reasons bears hurt business and kill people and other stuff, you'd say that bears don't help anybody and thus be cruel to any bear you come across. The people in the honey in the honey business like bears and want to protect them, so they shape honey containers like cute, cuddly bears as if to apoligize for the bears taking your honey, and to say that bears are cute and nice.
So the bottom line is honey containers are shaped like bears becuase they want you to have mercy on bears.

Tale of Crime and Treason on the High Seas

You all know the book I'm talking about. It was filled with adventure, excitement, knowlegde and thrills. Laughs would come easily when one would read this grand novel.
Yes, it is Curious George.
We went down to the school library yesterday with Mr.()enkins. It was mostly filled with preschool. Seizing the chance, I grabbed my favorite book, Curious George Escapes from Prison, and sat down next to my teacher.
" Sir," I began," I would like to tell you a tale of crime and treason on the high seas. It all began one day in Africa, while-"
" Wait one minute, Curly. I cant read a book with you right now, no matter how exciting it is." he said.
" But sir! Surely you don't want to miss out on this! So, ahem, Curious George was a monkey. But he was no ordinary monkey. He was very curious. He lived in Africa.
One day, the big Yellow Man came to Africa to visit. He liked George a lot, and decided to kidnap him. So he put down his hat..."
I went on to tell him the thrilling epic, how George jumped overboard, how he would smoke every night before bed, how he was sent to prison and how he escaped. I told him how he flew over the Big City, and how he eventually went to the zoo to give all the animals balloons.
Mr. ()enkins didn't really like it, but I'm sure that comes from being a math teacher. Of course, all people love the tale of the curious monkey from exotic lands, and I'm suprised college students don't learn it. I mean, didn't you love Curuois George?

The Dentist

My mother told me," Curly, you've got an orthidantist appointment."
"oh no." I said, heart sinking," What are they gonna do?"
"Not much." she replied.
What she could've said would be, " well, theyre going to take 3 Xrays, stick a humungous mirror in your mouth twice, then take 2 molds of your teeth twice, and then pry your lips open so they can put flouride on each tooth.
But of course, if parents were that frank, children would have rebelled long ago. So they choose to stay nuetral, so they can leave you to your fate.
Oh, but the orthidantist wasn't the terrible part. Before I left, they said" Next week we're going to cement an appliance that gradually drag your forward by a series of coils and springs which will eventually, over the course of one year, get rid of your over bite. And in 3 months we put on the braces."
I went home and watched a movie. In the movie, the main character would have flashbacks to his childhood, where he wore an enoumus contraption which pulled his lips out and tugged his jaw forward.
Needless to say, a movie like that and a week are not a very good combination for my situation.
Youre probably there luaghing and saying " HA HA! SUCKER!" while you struggle not to fall out of your chair. Well, you heartless fiend, you wont be laughing when it happens to YOU!(or some one you know!)

Do you know those little cream filled cupcakes with frosting on top? With a little white stripe? Well, I gave one of those to the PT. Of course, five year olds are infamous for eating the frosting, but not the cake. So I say " its good, PT, see? its got yummy cream in the middle. It tastes great! so you can eat the cake!"
" Yummy!" she exclaims.
" so you're gonna eat the cake, right?"
"yep!"
" are you sure?"
" positive!"
I decide thats enough goading and let her eat her cake. Ten minutes later, I come back to the table to find no PT, but a topless cream filled cupcake sitting there. No frosting, just cake and cream. So I search the house for the responsible nutjob. And there she is, eating potato chips in the living room. So I confront her and ask," PT, why didnt you eat the cake?"
" I didnt like the cake!" she says.

There's a underground floor in house. There's a few rooms. The first one, near the steps, houses the computers. then theres a luandry room to the side, which links to a boiler room and the famed " toy pantry", where are the toys go when they die. Unfortunately, the PT keeps trying to ressurect them.
So I'm sitting in the computer room, reading a book, when PT comes down the stairs. She goes up to me and says " Curly, Im going to get a toy from the toy pantry. Stay right here." And then heads off into the luandry room. Aside from the computer room, usually all the lights are turned off in the basement.
Aproximatly 3 seconds later:"OKAY I CANT SEE A THING."
I try to get back to my book, but a few seconds later " HELLO! I CANT SEE A THING!!!!" this time in a more whiny voice, giving me my cue to go help her.
I walk in and trun on the lights. " okay curly now I can see." she says, and then stares down the dark hallway ahead.
" Um... you stay here." she says, and slowly walks towards the doorway. Once she reaches it, she stops for a second, turns around and runs back in front of me.
" Okay actually you're gonna have to come with me." She cant even imagine me saying no, so I decide to go with her. Theres a barricade of suitcases in front of the toy pantry, though, and then, sudennly, the PT looks at me.
" Okay Curly," she says," I actually decided I dont want to go."
"oh okay."I say" then lets go back."
"Im not finished! Im going to go back, and youre going to stay here and get me a toy." she turns to leave.
" Hey wait one second!" Im not getting it for you! you have to get it!"
she turns around." what?"
"I said you have to get it!"
"um...." she looks back and forth at me and the way out.
"you know what Curly?" she says at last. " Lets just pretend this didnt happen."

IF I WERE A RICH MAN...
A freind of mine has come up with a scheme to get rich. It goes like this: take a shovel, dig a shallow hole in the middle ofa street. Take a wide bucket ( at least 6ft) and cover it in clay. wait to dry, rough up to look like stone, attatch wheels and put in hole, so wheels are concealed. Then fill it with water and put in a coin or two. By the end of the day, the bucket will be filled with coins. Then, in the cover of night, take the "fountian" up and wheel it to a different location.